For Me, I Take a Stand...

I often feel misunderstood and unable to communicate how I feel. Writing has always been a good release for me and a way that is much easier to express myself.

Recently, I felt the need to take a stand for what it is that I believe in and to share my testimony. For anyone interested in listening, that's what this post is all about. I know some of you might be disappointed to read the things I am about to write. You might not completely understand or even think it's my place to "question". But, this is me, walls torn down, vulnerable, and honest...

Let me preface this by saying how grateful I am for the gospel and how beautiful it is that we've been given the chance to gain a testimony for ourselves in this lifetime. After talking with multiple people, I have been incredbily humbled and shocked to hear that many feel the same way I do and even if they don't, they've been extremely supportive and shared their testimony with me as well. It's an amazing thing when two people can be open and honest, have a difference of opinion and testimony, and still love and support each other in every aspect of life.

I grew up LDS-ish. I was raised by an inactive family living in the "Mormon Capitol" of the world. I was blessed and baptized, I attended seminary with all my fellow students in Utah, and I even went to church with neighbors and friends. Not regularly, but often enough to understand the basics of the church. I grew up in a home where I was able to make my own choices and was never forced into the gospel and its teachings. I had to figure out what a testimony really meant and discover what I believed in from the very start, without the influence from my parents. 

Now, fast forward to my adult life. Like many others, I had to re-gain a testimony in a life without my parents navigating certain aspects and choices that just aren't yours to make as an adolescent. And, after a few horrible choices on my part, I wound up young and divorced. I was so lost. I didn't know who I was anymore. My dad, of all people, suggested I go talk with the bishop of his ward. That man is someone I will never, ever forget. He changed my life forever. I walked into his office broken. Without hesitation, he picked up all the broken pieces of my life and put me back together. Except, he put me together more beautifully than I was pieced together before. He taught me that I was a daughter of God, NO MATTER WHAT my past looked like. He never treated me as a sinner or a broken soul. I was accepted and loved just for being me. After a few months of weekly meetings, I was building a testimony that was all my own, I had a patriarchal blessing as a tool in life and a reminder of where I came from, and for the first time in my life, I was an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This man blessed my life in a way so profound, I can never repay him. He is a rare bishop in this world. I truly believe had it been any other bishop when I walked through that door, I would not have ended up where I am now. 

A lot has happened in my life since then. A lot of judgment has been placed on me, particularly by those of members in the church. The very members that preach kindness and Christlike living. It's hard to listen to the opinions of women in Relief Society, who without knowing my situation, belittle someone just like me and place themselves on a pedestal for being better than me in some way. It's hard to hold my tongue and not express how I truly feel or share my own story without fear of ridicule, anger, and judgment. So, this post is for me. For all those moments I stood in fear wanting to take a stand, but couldn't. For the moments when I tried to speak, but failed to fully express my thoughts. 

For me, I take a stand.

I believe in the gospel, in its core teachings and principles. I believe in God, his son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. I believe in these things with every fiber of my being. But, I do not always believe in the culture of the church that is run by imperfect men here on this earth. I do not believe that God and the atonement of Jesus Christ can be used as a comfort and also as a punishment. A comfort only to those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and who are worthy in every way. A punishment to those who are not. A punishment if we don't do everything right according to the opinions of those who run the church and the members who attend. I've been comforted during the loss of loved ones, loved ones who are not members of the church, and they always say the same thing, "Find peace and comfort knowing you will see them again." But, I have been taught the only way to see my loved ones again is if I am obedient to all the commandments and the "strongly advised" suggestions. I've met bishops and ward members who use the atonement as a scare tactic and I have felt that fear of not seeing my loved ones on the other side and living with them through the eternities. How is it that God can be so good and merciful but filled with so many contingencies? I believe that God, MY GOD, is filled with love and mercy, always. I believe He loves us wether we drink coffee or wear garments, whether we are gay or straight, whether we are members or not.
I believe that God loves me for me.
He loves me for trying to be a good person and always caring for others.
 He loves me for doing my best and being honest. 

He loves me for being a good wife and mother, a good daughter, sister and friend.

For me, the most important thing in life is my personal relationship with my Father in Heaven. A relationship I strengthen everyday through prayer. I pray always, everyday. I know He is there listening. I know He is there to offer comfort, guidance, and love and that it is not contingent upon the amount I pay in tithing that month or the number of times I read my scriptures each day.  

I love the church and I love the temple. More than I could ever try to explain. I have been inside those walls when I needed a safe place from trial and heartbreak. They have been my sanctuary and a place that brings me joy. I love what they represent and symbolize. 

I know many of you probably wonder how I can love something so much and yet leave a place for doubt or question. But, here's where I am most misunderstood. I don't doubt God and I know this life is not the place for all the answers, nor would I expect it to be. I believe this life is a journey, for each of us to pray about and decide for ourselves what is right and what we believe.
After all, we are taught to use our free agency and what would that agency be good for if not to seek for truth and testimony on our own?

The culture of the church is based on guidelines, "black and white", "good and bad", "God and Satan".   Somewhere down the line, it seems we've forgotten that it isn't always that simple. There is a gray area where some members reside. A gray area filled with people who are trying to decide what their testimony is. You might disagree and say, "Alicia, it IS that simple. You follow with faithful obedience." In Joseph Smith's time, he was teaching true principles and letting the people govern themselves through personal revelation and prayer. They were taught to seek confirmation on everything from teachings, revelations, and even prophesies, not just to "faithfully obey" or simply believe in every single spoken word. If you've taken the time to study church history, you know that some prophets and apostles made mistakes in "doctrine", "revelations", and in their various public opinions. This doesn't mean the gospel isn't true! It means no one is perfect. It means Joseph Smith was right when he taught us to govern ourselves based on the principles taught, seeking our own spiritual confirmation on our leaders teachings. It means the gray areas we are pretending don't exist, exist. It means it's perfectly okay to have a different opinion than our leaders do. It means two people who love the gospel but live it differently, can still stay on God's side and live righteous, worthy lives. Whether you believe in gray areas or black and white, we should all agree that the church is filled with people who are trying to decide what their testimony is, and figuring out how it plays a role in their daily lives.

I believe in eternal families.
"Families can be together forever" is such a sweet song.
We teach that the point of Heavenly Father's whole plan is for families to be together forever, through all eternity. It's such a sweet, kind, loving teaching until you realize it must mean Heavenly Father's plan is to also separate families. The truth is, only some families will get to live in the eternities together. Most won't get that luxury. According to what we believe, mine won't, unless I go to the "dark" side and stop paying for my temple recommend with a 10% tithe each month.

To me, it is not about having doubt in God or even doubting the gospel. It is a disbelief in "faithfully obeying" the opinions of the men who run the church and simply doubting that everything is either black or white. That you're on one side or the other.
I don't believe God has stipulations such as, paying tithing before taking care of your family to keep your recommend into the temple. I don't believe God would deny us blessings, earthly or eternal, for choosing to put food on the table instead of going on church-assisted living to pay a full tithe. I understand the principle of sacrifice and I grasp the importance of tithing, but I do not think God would see it more important to pay His established church first while our families are at home struggling to survive. I do not believe that if God were here on this earth today, He would tell good-hearted, wonderful people who love Him with all their hearts and to the core, believe in Him and do their best, that they were $1,000 short on tithing for the year and therefore, their temple recommend is as good as gone. That the blessings given and promised are not for them to receive anymore until that money has been paid. Maybe I am naive or maybe I'm just clueless, but in my heart, I am really trying to understand. I cannot find a rational thought where this merciful God everyone talks about can also be so restricting to a world of people who's circumstances and needs are vastly unique and different. How can we all be required the same financial tithe when our financial situations are so diverse?
Did I miss the scripture that tells us we are paying off a debt in order for the atonement to work and in order for me to be worthy of blessings?

All of this boils down to one small paragraph that is ultimately my testimony.
I believe church should be a safe place for me to go without fear of rejection or abandonment from the members inside because I'm not trying to do everything perfectly. I'm not doing everything exactly how they think I should. But rather, I am trying to do things right in a way that feels right to me. I pray diligently to understand His plan and His teachings. I pray for help to live my life in the way that is pleasing to Him. I wish people could see the "down to the core" good I have inside my heart before judging me. I wish they could see how hard I am trying. I want to feel like I can attend church with this evolving and somewhat misunderstood testimony and still be accepted. That I can love and support my nonactive family without being ridiculed for not being a better example or missionary. That I can love my friends who are gay and want for them to be happy, no matter who it is they choose to love or be with. I want to feel worthy to attend the temple simply because I am doing my best and I am a good person. I don't know how to do these things, support these people, and still be a good mormon. I feel torn between being the person I believe I should be and being the person I believe others think I should be.
Lastly, I don't believe God's love is conditional as Elder Nelson taught,
(https://www.lds.org/ensign/2003/02/divine-love?lang=eng).
I refuse to believe it.
I believe Heavenly Father loves you and me, UNCONDITIONALLY. I love my kids unconditionally, why wouldn't God love His children unconditionally? I know that God knows my intentions. He knows me to the core. He knows everything I am and everything I am not. He knows everything I feel, think, say, and do. In my heart of hearts, I know that He loves ME. And, I know He loves YOU, too.