I remember each time I took a pregnancy test and it turned positive. I remember those days clearly, every detail and moment is engrained inside my head like a mini slideshow. I remember jumping up and down hysterically and breaking down in tears of joy, thanking God for trusting me with such a precious gift. I remember going to the first ultrasound with each of my three kids, and more specifically, I remember the nerves I felt going in there. My palms were clammy in anticipation as I sat there silently praying that the ultrasound tech would easily find a heartbeat and a healthy baby. I remember breathing out a huge sigh of relief the moment I saw that tiny speck on the screen, and immediately grinning from ear to ear as tears filled in my eyes from a flicker of a heartbeat so microscopic I felt like I might be hallucinating. I remember contemplating for months the perfect way to share our exciting news with family and friends, how we would share the gender reveal, the name reveal, and nursery themes. I remember those three very important birthdays that changed our lives forever. I am grateful for my birth photographers who documented everything so beautifully and captured every minute of those whirlwind days. I could never give my photographers anything in this world comparable to the gifts they gave me in those photos.
For me, my struggle with infertility allowed these moments to become so much greater and so much sweeter than I ever imagined. As those years went by, I wondered if I would ever get the chance to become a mother on my own. I questioned God's plan as I watched, what felt like everyone around me, getting this blessing that I was being denied. There I was, yearning for a baby, knowing I would be a great mother, and it just wasn't happening. While my journey was small in comparison to so many others, it was hard and I definitely started to feel defeated. Little did I know, God was watching over me the entire time, and He still is. He was never denying me that blessing, He was preparing me for the blessings that were to come. He was allowing me a clean break when just a few months into trying Clomid, my ex-husband would choose to walk away from our marriage. God's plan was much better than anything my small mind could have fathomed at the time. In the blink of an eye, I was reunited with my High School sweetheart and after 6 months of dating, we were married. Life hasn't stopped moving at a rapid pace since then!! We got pregnant on our honeymoon with our first unexpected miracle and ended up having three kids in three years! Life has been crazy, but oh so incredibly wonderful!!!
Fast forward to today, three months after my hysterectomy. People continually ask me why I chose to have this done and how I feel now that I've gone through with it. I can honestly say the decision wasn't made lightly and it's a weird feeling being 28 years old and knowing I am done having children. On one end, there is a small feeling of sadness and emptiness. For so long, I wondered if I would get to be a mom, and when I finally got pregnant, and stayed pregnant, it was a feeling so remarkable, I cannot put it into words. It's hard letting go of the part of me that made me a mother; the part of me that grew, carried, and protected my three little miracles. Sometimes, I think it's hard for my brain, and my heart, to fully grasp the concept of being infertile now. I know one day soon, I will experience that feeling of "baby hunger" and I have done all I can to mentally prepared myself, and Brian, for that day! As my little Emmy grows up and all the pieces of her that make her a baby start to fade away, I know that day is fast approaching!
On the flip side, I do feel so much relief and happiness! Partly because, I never have to suffer "that time of the month" again!! (Every girl's dream, right?!) But mostly because, it's exhilarating to know I have three beautiful kids, I am 28 years old, and I get to wake up everyday and be their mom. Being a mom is something I feel I am good at and I know with full clarity these specific three kids were meant to come to me when they did. I also know that having the hysterectomy was without a doubt the right choice for me too. After a severe case of placenta acreta, where I almost bled out and died on the delivery table because it went undiscovered until Emmy's birth, the doctors considered it, "potentially saving my life". It's one thing to say you're done having kids, to make the decision on your own to not have anymore children, and for that choice to always remain in your control. Thankfully, we had made the decision already that we were done having kids, but now the choice has forever and permanently been made for me. When a doctor tells you getting pregnant again will most likely result in your death during childbirth, you do everything you can to avoid that fate. After reviewing all our options, for us, this choice was quite simple. My body made three healthy, beautiful children and I could not have asked God for anything more.
The hysterectomy itself was very trying, much harder than I thought it would be. There were moments after the surgery when I genuinely felt awful. I remember at one point laying on the bathroom floor vomiting, hunched over in pain, I could barely breathe from the side effects of tramadol, and I looked to Brian saying, "I just want to die, please make it stop!" I am currently still recovering and on an estrogen cream therapy to help my body heal and dissolve the suture coil that remain intact at the incision site. My surgeon expects me to make a full recovery at some point, and worse case scenario, I go in and have any remaining suture removed when the tissue is fully healed! Many of these complications have occurred due to my other health issues and nothing to do with the competency of my surgeon. In fact, she has been wonderful! It has not been an easy road, but it was the right choice to make. I have learned to accept help from others, even when I feel like a burden. We have had an outpouring of love and support and we will be forever grateful for everything. We hope to one day pay it forward to others who need the help as we have.
For me, my struggle with infertility allowed these moments to become so much greater and so much sweeter than I ever imagined. As those years went by, I wondered if I would ever get the chance to become a mother on my own. I questioned God's plan as I watched, what felt like everyone around me, getting this blessing that I was being denied. There I was, yearning for a baby, knowing I would be a great mother, and it just wasn't happening. While my journey was small in comparison to so many others, it was hard and I definitely started to feel defeated. Little did I know, God was watching over me the entire time, and He still is. He was never denying me that blessing, He was preparing me for the blessings that were to come. He was allowing me a clean break when just a few months into trying Clomid, my ex-husband would choose to walk away from our marriage. God's plan was much better than anything my small mind could have fathomed at the time. In the blink of an eye, I was reunited with my High School sweetheart and after 6 months of dating, we were married. Life hasn't stopped moving at a rapid pace since then!! We got pregnant on our honeymoon with our first unexpected miracle and ended up having three kids in three years! Life has been crazy, but oh so incredibly wonderful!!!
Fast forward to today, three months after my hysterectomy. People continually ask me why I chose to have this done and how I feel now that I've gone through with it. I can honestly say the decision wasn't made lightly and it's a weird feeling being 28 years old and knowing I am done having children. On one end, there is a small feeling of sadness and emptiness. For so long, I wondered if I would get to be a mom, and when I finally got pregnant, and stayed pregnant, it was a feeling so remarkable, I cannot put it into words. It's hard letting go of the part of me that made me a mother; the part of me that grew, carried, and protected my three little miracles. Sometimes, I think it's hard for my brain, and my heart, to fully grasp the concept of being infertile now. I know one day soon, I will experience that feeling of "baby hunger" and I have done all I can to mentally prepared myself, and Brian, for that day! As my little Emmy grows up and all the pieces of her that make her a baby start to fade away, I know that day is fast approaching!
On the flip side, I do feel so much relief and happiness! Partly because, I never have to suffer "that time of the month" again!! (Every girl's dream, right?!) But mostly because, it's exhilarating to know I have three beautiful kids, I am 28 years old, and I get to wake up everyday and be their mom. Being a mom is something I feel I am good at and I know with full clarity these specific three kids were meant to come to me when they did. I also know that having the hysterectomy was without a doubt the right choice for me too. After a severe case of placenta acreta, where I almost bled out and died on the delivery table because it went undiscovered until Emmy's birth, the doctors considered it, "potentially saving my life". It's one thing to say you're done having kids, to make the decision on your own to not have anymore children, and for that choice to always remain in your control. Thankfully, we had made the decision already that we were done having kids, but now the choice has forever and permanently been made for me. When a doctor tells you getting pregnant again will most likely result in your death during childbirth, you do everything you can to avoid that fate. After reviewing all our options, for us, this choice was quite simple. My body made three healthy, beautiful children and I could not have asked God for anything more.
The hysterectomy itself was very trying, much harder than I thought it would be. There were moments after the surgery when I genuinely felt awful. I remember at one point laying on the bathroom floor vomiting, hunched over in pain, I could barely breathe from the side effects of tramadol, and I looked to Brian saying, "I just want to die, please make it stop!" I am currently still recovering and on an estrogen cream therapy to help my body heal and dissolve the suture coil that remain intact at the incision site. My surgeon expects me to make a full recovery at some point, and worse case scenario, I go in and have any remaining suture removed when the tissue is fully healed! Many of these complications have occurred due to my other health issues and nothing to do with the competency of my surgeon. In fact, she has been wonderful! It has not been an easy road, but it was the right choice to make. I have learned to accept help from others, even when I feel like a burden. We have had an outpouring of love and support and we will be forever grateful for everything. We hope to one day pay it forward to others who need the help as we have.
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