As I was re-oranizing my closet today, I came across an old journal of mine. So naturally, I sat in my closet and began to flip through the pages. It was a journal I had started just before I reconnected with Brian and only a few pages in, I began to read an entry I had written just one short week after we rekindled a High School friendship that blossomed into so much more. Little did I know, (or want to allow myself to believe) this would be the beginning of our story together.
Dear Diary,
The past week my life has felt crazy and scary, but so exciting and calm, all at the same time. I'm living in a whirlwind of emotion, trying to piece my crazy life together. Brian Hallock has come into my life again and made an impression on my heart that I will never forget. He is the most spiritual, loving, genuine, and wonderful person I have ever met. I am having such sure feelings that he is the one I have prepared myself for. He is someone great that has come in and blessed my life. He makes me laugh and smile, I am so happy! I feel myself falling more and more everyday and I just can't stop. I've fallen and it feels completely surreal, impossible even. It has only been one week and every fiber of my being is head over heels in love. It's hard to believe that someone as incredible as Brian would have similar feelings about me, but he does. And in my heart, I know that if he isn't "the one", I deserve/want someone that possesses the qualities he holds. There is a feeling that I can't ignore, a feeling that is assuring me this is right where I belong. I know I could be great for him and love him, forever. I am hoping that one day soon this will make sense to us both, but until then, I am walking in faith that Heavenly Father will direct us to where we are supposed to be. Every ounce of me is screaming that he is one of the greatest reasons I went through the temple on my own, the reason I have been preparing myself spiritually, the reason my life with Sterling fell apart. I feel like no matter how hard my journey was to get here, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Just as I closed one chapter of my life and the wounds began to heal, a new door has opened, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I feel like I am in an amazing dream but at any moment, I will wake up. I have been floating on cloud 9 for a week! I am scared of getting hurt again, of being left alone, of letting myself be vulnerable, and opening up a door of unknown possibilities. I am scared to lose what we've always had as friends and I'm scared to lose what we are quickly evolving into. To be honest, I am really not sure of anything anymore, except how I feel in this moment, right now. I am in love and scared to death. How can I care for him so much in just one week, when I haven't seen him in over 6 years? How can we feel so sure about wanting to share our life with each other? We know the world around us might think we are completely crazy. How could we blame them for believing what we feel in our hearts when I'm still figuring out me since ending a part of my life as someone else's wife. I know I might be criticized and judged, but lets face it, I am already in the spotlight being judged by those who don't understand the circumstances of my past and can't possibly understand the depth of the mutual feelings Brian and I share now. I want to be certain before we jump into this and allow the world to be part of our journey, but in my heart, I feel like I already know.
For whatever reason, Brian is here in my life again. I know I am beyond blessed and grateful. I will forever treasure these feelings, these moments, and this past week. I would never take back any of this experience, even if I end up hurt and alone, again. This man is worth the leap of faith. So, here I am leaping, and trusting that I will be led to where I am supposed to be. I am putting my faith in the Lord and Brian, that together we will know whether or not this is where we should be.
Love, Ali
Soooo cool!
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